Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Baker Act

Trying to explain to the police officer that it wasn't my doing
It was the devil making an offer that was just way too amusing
Telling me these stories that made life seem way less confusing
So can you please take off these cuffs because it's bruising

And are you taking me to jail?
I made an attempt on myself not another male
I know I lost it went a little off the rail
But I'm good now I'm back on the right trail

The cop tells me no, you're being baker acted
Paused for a bit, asked what's that but he was too distracted

Handcuffed in the middle of the emergency room with all eyes on me
Doctors and nurses staring at me like I’m a criminal like I’m a triple OG
Making me feel like a caged animal, is this my reality?
What's happening to me, all I wanna do is go home and sleep

But no, they throw me in wheelchair and strap me down
So angry at these police looking down at me as if they wearing a crown
Push me into a elevator and take me to the 3rd floor where it’s a complete ghost town
Talking to me with no respect, as they unstrap me and telling me to put on this gown

They walk me through big metal doors with bars on the windows
This place looks like a jail a prison, you know places like those

I see all these rooms with two long hallways
I don't see any doctors or nurses only big men leading my way
Walk me to my room with no delay
To see 3 other people sleeping while one is screaming and this is my day

Paranoid out of mind that someone will attack me tonight
Just getting mentally and getting ready to fight
I can't sleep because they leave on the lights
To be real I cried that whole night

Couple hours passed; to me hearing a lady screaming
I get out of bed to see what's the meaning

I see 3 security personnel and this lady screaming to each other
As I listen closer I tell you what I discover
A white lady screaming the “N” word to all these brothers
I'm watching what's going on as I’m behind the wall taking cover

Then I see a man with a white coat pull out a needle
As the security strap her down to a chair and she's squirming around like a weasel
The lady got this look on her face that's pure evil
The man with the white coat sticks the needle in her vein with no intent of being gentle

They throw her in the room to herself but I didn't care about her
Simply because she repeatedly used the word nigger

Am I still in a hospital or am I in a institution?
Wherever I’m at this is not the solution
Only been here a few hours here and I want to start a revolution
I want to get out of here so badly I wish I could do a substitution

The morning hits I see all the people stuck in here, I say about 40
They got wristbands on certain people stating they got aids which I think is corny
They put the color blue on me I found out because I’m at risk to run like a derby
The doctors got us all discriminated and put into certain categories

I have my breakfast which was one ham sandwich
Damn did I feel abandoned

I’m not talking to anybody hear because I don't trust anyone
Not even my mom or dad knows I’m here not one family loved one
And I’m fine with that, I can’t take anymore disappointment from them so I’m done
But I do have my girl and I’ll just talk to her on the designated times on the phone

Finally a doctor who is a man calls me to this room
And before he says something I cut him off and tell him I need to say some
I want to leave right now and escape this place of doom
He tells me sorry, but your not getting out of here anytime soon

I'm sitting there completely stunned
Now I want to hurt this man as he smiles and I get shunned

I go run back to my bed, mad at the world
Only thing on my mind is me wishing I had my girl
Now I feel somebody touching my toe
I yell at him to stop, he continues, I get up and push him to the cold floor

I stand on top of him ready to jump on him
Till security grabs me by my limb
Picks me up knowing I’m slim
Thinking to myself that this isn't over but only the prelims

They throw me into the “quiet zone”
Not feeling like my happy self, feel like a clone

I’m here all for being a suicidal
I didn't commit no crime but I’m not allowed to leave against my free will
These doctors are looking at me like I have intent to kill
But I don't, I’m just a little head sick, you know mentally ill

And this is my story of me being baker acted
Everything I said was true, this is what happened
Now I don't trust doctors at all and I’m still completely saddened
And I see the world doesn't care for people who are a little mentally off the wagon



Friday, September 23, 2016

Out Of Options

No, today’s not the day to leave me alone
And I threw away my iphone
So I can’t call for help, nothing can save me from this home
I’m getting dizzy, lightheaded maybe it’s the patron
And God is not here for me to bring me out this zone

Nobody can help me, I’m out of options
Past 2 years you been lying and faking me out, if you was running the triple option
You hate my guts, wish you could just give me up for adoption
Everyone around me acts super cautious
Because nobody knows how unpredictable I am like a stock option
Nobody knows my pain or my emotions
You're right I wish I can just be happy, you know just drink some potion
I don’t have thick skin, I’m soft like some lotion

Because I want to leave ASAP from mother Earth
Be buried somewhere under dirt
Funny I haven’t been always like this since birth
But lately all I hope is for me getting murked
Hopefully by somebody while I’m protecting you 1st

But that's neither here nor there
I just want my lungs too loose air
I know you're the boss like you're the mayor
Let me pay the price and pay my fare
I know to you, this might not feel like this is fair
No, I don't need any help or any welfare
Because you never believed me, thinking I had a bunch of hot air
Well now your next chance to talk is when I’m in my coffin chair

Because after I’m done with this writing
You can best believe there will be no more fighting
I will be all hung up like the lighting
You can come over and stare like it’s a special sighting
Then hopefully both families will get to be unting

Man, actually I’m past all that
So stressed and annoyed all I know is how to snap
Don’t know how to deal with this crap
The only option left is to get a strap
And leave my brain oozing like sap
Because my soul feels so flat
No I don’t like none of yall, so skip the dap
So terribly tired, time for my extended nap
     

-The End

I'm Hurt

Struggling to stay above sinking quicksand
Because I feel like this isn’t my land
My life is stuck as if it’s a broken fan
While your life is colorful like a box of crayons
I know you're my number one fan like “Stan”
And I love you the same as if you was “Anne”
I can’t stay, I got to go and go for a ran
But I feel like the opposite of a man
No, I don’t have a plan
So here’s some news like an anchorman
My life got me feeling like a journeyman
I can’t breath, I’m underwater like a fisherman
Up early every morning like a minuteman
So please hear my voice like I’m a radioman
Predicting my death like I’m a weatherman
So please don’t box me in like I’m in a van
Trying to escape life fast as possible like a turbofan
You give me no respect as a parent
You look right through me like I was transparent
Won’t even let our kid stay with the father
You don’t trust me but you trust your middle school brother
Now that aint right, and without me there would of never been another
And don’t forget that because I’m not just some other
I am the father of this child, yes I have issues
But this isn’t a sad story so don’t grab any tissues
I have made mistakes before
And now my heart feels all sore
And this striking sadness hits me all the way to the core
Can’t you just see that I just want more
Yeah I thought I could trust you telling you every dark problem
I told you this so I can blossom
And remember your not perfect, you're not flawless
But no, you turn around you and use it against me
Every little thing I told you, spit it back in my face
Yelling at me telling me to stay in my place
Feeling like I’m running in a endless race
There’s a fight in my mind
But when I’m with him I feel like everything is fine
He makes me want to get up and get back on my grind
But what do you need, a big red sign?!
That everything is all good that I’m all refined
But isn’t one of the reasons you love me so much is that I’m so undefined
So you're confusing me, saying you believe in me
And at the same time, you don’t trust me with my own seed
Man everything’s just backwards and it’s bringing me to my knees
It was supposed to be the 3 of us, only we
Now you got me sticking out like a great Red Tree
...Making me feel like I’m just the suicide kid that always be

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Letter To My Doctor

I swear I don’t do illegal drugs or drink
But you say I still need to see a shrink
And the doctor wants me to do his legal ones
He’s got me stuck and stunned
The doctor lying to me tryna take away my fun
While his pocket runs up a check for his funds
Laughing at me, while diagnosing me with anything that pleases his pockets
But everything you say gots me hurt like bones popping out my sockets
Forget the lexapro and the abilify and any other antidepressant
I know I’m nothing in your eyes only a low life peasant
And I know your life is great, it’s super fluorescent  
But don’t think I’m stupid just because I’m an adolescent
So take back your drugs because I don’t need them anymore
And I’ll take the side effects like a man, so what I need them for
Go ahead and write down I’m unstable in the brain
Lie to the people and tell them I’m insane
With or without them I feel the same
Nothing can counteract the pain
So what doc? I’m expecting more days of rain?
But I’m just going to take it day by day
I won’t let my soul die and decay
So I don’t care what you say
You're the biggest Pablo Escobar of them all
Scary thing is you're allowed to do it anywhere in the halls
The writing is everywhere it’s written on the walls
Well I hope your business dies and falls
Because you don't me, so stop judging
You not perfect either and I bet you stay misjudging
And did you even know that every 16.2 seconds a suicide happens
So obviously the pills aren't doing its job so what's happening?
That stat is disgusting it’s honestly really blackening
That’s why I stopped the pills and choose rapping
So let me tell you something else that might be flattening
I see you in your new cadillac
Getting rich of me while I’m sitting on the bus in the back
Possibly crying while on my P’s and Q’s ready to be attacked
But please don’t give me no flack
Remember I’m on your “legal” drugs
I’m supposed to be happy and giving hugs
And everyone showing lots of love
But we both know the truth
This stuff you sell to me, saying it’s bullet proof
And it’s going to protect me like a hurricane roof
But I mean look at me I am living proof
The drugs don’t work
On them or off them I still might go berserk
Do you hear me?! I’m telling you the medicine doesn’t work
Still paranoid that any day I can murked
Or is that just another side effect
Thinking of death as my mind hits a wreck
Nobody can keep me in control or checked
Telling me without the drugs I'll definitely go left
But what's wrong with not following everyone's foot steps
I’m me, and I don’t want nothing changing me
Especially your meds, so I don’t care if I fall to my knees
I’m going to do it my way and my body will be clean of your evil
So call me a dare devil an “Evil Knievil”
For not taking what you want me to take, are my ways really that medieval
So stop feeding off my money like a weevil
I’m going to live my life my way
Because on average there's  117 suicides per day
The second leading causing death of my age
And I usually choose to go out by downing your pills you gave me at that stage
...Of my life, so let me hop on my bike
Too poor to afford a car because all my money goes to you, and that aint right
Trying to “cure” me mentally with no time table in sight
Telling me that’s ok, a lot of people live the rest of their lives on pills and they have no gripe
Knowing as he tells me, he sees his pockets getting fatter
So Doctor please skip the chatter
I know all you doing is beating on me as if I’m batter
Inside my body full of pain and yours is full of laughter
As my life is hanging of from the rafters
Nah, I’m serious I’m actually lifeless hanging from the rafters
So my story comes to an end, with no more chapters
This isn’t a cry out for help
I’m not asking for a review of my life
So I’m going to put down the knife
And show you I can live it with with no strifes
I know it’s going to be a fight
But I threw away your poison in the garbage
Before I threw it down my throat because what you're doing is a carnage
Because all your patients are all targets
That’s why I’m getting out your pathway of darkness

*You are not alone with this battle of suicide. A Lot of people go through it you're not alone
And there will be days of sunshine after the days of darkness. Don’t be afraid to talk about
It with people you love. But if you don’t have anybody call this hotline 1-800-273-8255.
Or message me and we can talk. Have a better day today.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Who's Story Is This? Pt. 1

I feel like he’s gonna lose himself
All he thinks about is killing himself
Yeah his family has the wealth
Then how come his debit card keeps coming up short like a elf
This world is evil and deceiving
I guess you should be blessed that he’s still breathing
But now he’s crying on the floor as if he’s a baby that’s teething
Because getting hit by a car is no joke
Now on the ground with the wind knocked out as he choke
You gotta stay alive you need to stay woke
You need to get up off the ground, somebody throw a rope
Because the cops are after you trying to lock you away in the hospital
And I know people are out there trying to belittle
And you been getting bullied little by little
Since you was just a jit, since you were little
But nobody cared, nobody asked you why
Nobody seen the constant tribulation that hit you inside
He can’t breath, life’s got him wrapped around his neck like a tie
He’s up running, bloodied, trying to hide the pain like a tough guy
Slowing down now because he’s out of breath
It don’t matter where he runs, right or left
The police catch up to him step by step
Guns drawn, “get down or choose death”